Take charge at 23

I would be 23 in a few days, and I don’t feel myself adequate as yet to carry the mantle of that age. I don’t feel I am matured enough to be called a 23 year old girl. I don’t know how to take decisions as yet, decisions here do not mean whether to have a pizza for lunch or a plate of rajma pulao, but they mean the big ones. I have always looked for somebody to counsel me and guide me, to help me take up major decisions. You would instantly say but there nothing wrong in asking for help. There is, if the help is persistent, if in the course of asking help you forget that you have a mind of your own, if you keep relying on other people for help all the time, if you are too impressionable to change decisions on even slightest influences, if you stop taking your own life and situations into consideration and let yourself being framed into the setting of the other person who tries to help you by giving his own examples. So now I am sure you would agree on why I feel myself inadequate.

If I retrospect I see that I have always eaten with the spoon that was brought to my mouth, never really taking my hands out to choose a spoon. Even if after being persistently asked to choose my own spoon I have insisted hard on telling me the pros and cons of each spoon, and then finally taken pride (a sham pride) in choosing my own spoon. So literally and figuratively I have been spoon fed much to the unwillingness of my feeders.

By now I am sure many of you are too convinced that I am absolutely inadequate to be 23, as a 23 year old would never speak like this. And I would not spare myself even a bit by not substantiating the point I started off with.

I have gone to the foolish extent of making chits of the options I have in hand and then taking the decision as the one written on the chit that I have drawn. I have gone to extent of asking God to take decisions for me by trying to find out answers in Ramcharitmanas or the Geeta. I have gone to extent of leaving the decisions to be taken to time. Except for the first one I am sure you would be thinking that sometimes there is no way but to surrender to these methods so what’s wrong in them. But it’s wrong if you ask God for answers without knowing your questions well, ask him to answer from the options you think might be best suited for the distorted question you somehow manage to pose while the answer may be something completely unconsidered by you. And it’s wrong when you ask time to take decisions for you instead of accepting that you have been a failure in deciding on it yourself. Now I think I have convinced you that the methods are wrong when given the circumstances in which they have been assorted to.

Hence I don’t feel I am eligible to share a place amidst people of 23 who have been always proud of taking their own decisions and standing by them even if they turned out to be wrong later on. I don’t feel I have the guts required to do that.

Ahh! Just heard somebody saying, it’s never too late to start. Thank God we have such adages to ease the process of decision making for people like me. Yes I have decided to follow it, totally convinced that if I start now only then I can make myself eligible for the club of 25 two years down the line. So I am going to “take charge at 23”.

I am desi... or am I really?

Last night while chatting with an old school friend I ran into the risk of a debate with him. It has left me thoughtful and so I thought of sharing it with all.

Just while something was going on I begged to differ with him saying I am a little 'desi' kinds. It was enough to infuriate him. The conversation that took place between us goes as below:

He: Don't be a snob. You and desi? Huh!

Me: Why do you say so? I am desi and am proud to claim myself a desi. What do you percieve when I say I am desi?

He: I think we're gonna have a rough time ahead...b'coz i'll blurt out...desi-there's no harm in being that, but are we really that? Tell me what brand of jeans do u prefer? I'm sure it must be Levi's and not New port!

Me: I am as comfortable in my Lee Cooper as I am in that 100 Rupee kurta I bought from the street side. No dear I think you have got me all wrong all these while. I am very comfortable with those street children I work with in the NGO. I don't sport my expensive gogs or my Tissot watch when I go there.

He: That's ok.. I don't doubt ur intentions... I'm not finished..

Me: Please go ahead...

He: But ma'am we prefer Mc' Donalds over some road side tea stall...

Me: No not...again i crave for the bhelpuris on the road side as much as I crave for pizza hut, I am not brand specific frankly... no exxageration.

He: I knew it but just rechecked that that Lee cooper is from UK...

Me: Desi does not mean that I wont wear western clothes... It means not wearing only western clothes.

He: i somehow don't buy that...u may b an exception--then this is uncalled for..

Me: No it's not being exceptional, i find most of the people in my company like that who dont have preset notions about things. I told you earlier also that I come from a very small place and I have not forgotten my roots, I enjoy the chaat papri in a shady chandni chowk shop as much as I enjoy blue- berry mousse in Wengers... It's all about the way one looks at things...

He: People will go for Himesh monkey's show, but when it comes to an Indian rock band, they'll say it's evil western...

Me: That is a justified grudge... I don't endorse that. Thats being against westernisation... and I am not so. I want to flaunt my indianness with pride.

He: See boss, let me be straight, my experience is that most of the people (THAT INCLUDES ME AS WELL) have been so much adapted to the western influences that I hardly find a sense in that word

Me: Indianness is about attitude, it's the outlook.

He: Lemme ask u , what is ur idea of a perfect career these days--- answer honestly...

Me: I will be honest... Its like working somewhere which pays well and gives enough time to pursue something that gives meaning to your life

He: That brings u a multinational, right? You're a mathematician--why don't plan to join ISRO and contribute to a space mission?

Me: I dont mind multinationals, but there are big Indian companies also these days doing well like the Tatas, Ambanis, Mallyas etc. And when did i say indianness means being against globalisation?

He: I have seen u're a fan of L.N. Mittal? But does Mittal pay even the income tax to the govt of India?

Me: I know I am...I like the guts of the man it's not because he is a UK citizen but its because he is a gutsy person. He is paying the taxes for the revenues he is collecting from India and why should he pay otherwise as he is not using the Indian infrastructure...

He: Yeah yeah... He won't have it cheaper anywhere else...

Me: See my dear, there are always two sets of people, one who wants to make profit and one who wants to serve and the society has the resilience to accomodate both the sets.

He: This poor country, our Govt spends approx 10 lakhs to make me an engineer, nd I'm going to serve the american corporate... our greatest desi actor is a farmer, our desi netas are involved in trafficing ??

Me: I just said that there are both sets of people, if you serve for an American company, there are people who serve for DRDO and ISRO as well.

He: Sadly not dear... And I dont mind L.N.Mittal making profits and all, but why do we Indians ( I'm afraid to call me one) always die over him? What has he done for this country?

Me: What has Kalpana Chawla done for the country or Sunita Williams or Salman Rushdie or Swaraj Paul or I can name many done for this country? Virtually nothing you may safely say... But still they have done lots, they have shown the world that Indian people can do wonders if given the right opportunities.

He: I beg to differ...

Me: There is something called Brand India... They have endorsed the idea...

He: Hahaha, I don't believe you trust all this. What's Brand India? We don't stand anywhere in the world except for, may be, the largest market of the western world... they overproduce and we buy... and thank ourselves for the god-sent worn out wrangler that lights up our closets... conveniently forgetting that we've payed the same as any American would have paid in Dollars. Ma'am the wicket is too sticky here...

Me: See I am not one of those kinds who dont see hopes in things and hence stop working towards betterment... I never said India is the best country to live in... But everybody's house is in a mess, we ourselves need to set it right, we need to take charge now. We keep saying the system is rotten and stuff than doing anything ourselves... i was on the auto the other day and the auto relentlessly went on saying about the decline the country was seeing... i kept hearing him for long and then asked a simple question.. how many kids do you have? He made a sorry face... said three... I told him see, what did you do to end the woes of country? You added to the problems the country is facing and cribbing about the sorry state of affiars and blaming the govt... Further asked him if he earns enough to educate his children and he drove the rest of the journey in silence. So my point is that when we ourselves are not doing anything for the betterment of the ocuntry who gives us the authority to criticize it...

He: Yeah why shud he? Or for that matter we instead let us bask in the glory-- the eternal feel good factor...

Me: Ha ha ha... Dont be sarcastic, I dint mean that.... I dont say that you go around carrying the sense that everything is alright... Everthing is not alright I know that well, but it also does not mean that while chatting we only see at the gloomy side of things... I am an eternal optimist...phew!

He: I'm a branded pessimist...

Me: So probably thats the reason we fought so much over it, the half filled glass...

He: Hahaha... It's the emptiness...

Me: No my dear, it's the filled part.

And thats how our conversation ended. Readers are welcome to share their side of the debate.

Art, the new picture

I have been going to an Art school since the age of six years. It used to be every Sunday that my drawing teacher used to come to our house until my younger brother grew old enough so that we could go together to the Art school. We have grown up with only Doordarshan at home, so Sunday evenings used to be really special as there used to be a movie telecast on the channel out of the meager two movies per week. We both used to hate the intersection and so most of the time either he used to have a stomach pain or me, and if one does not go how can the other, that was a deal. But in spite of all the love for the Sunday movie we also used to love drawing, but only our way. As I grew I realized that painting is the most wonderful form of art as it is very powerful. I realized how we can convey so much by just drawing a few meaningful lines. I started realizing its beauty and gradually became more inclined towards attending regular classes. My younger brother still would have his stomach pain, but I would be off with my pastels and water colors to draw my world colorful. I used to find it initially a little painful to see my teacher’s extra concern for the measurements to be correct always. He was very specific that body parts were very carefully drawn and ample care should be taken that the legs, hands and the body were all in the proper ratio unless I was drawing a rickety child or a deformed man! He was also very particular about the eyes drawn well and should convey what I wanted the portrait to convey. Whenever I used to make a mistake in these things, with a sheepish grin I used to plea saying “Modern art, Sir.” He would take my canvas and within minutes make an exotic beautiful lady or an old farmer or a muscular blacksmith full of life and vigor. He would make his final comment “It’s very important in Art to observe carefully, perception is very important.” I stopped going to formal art school at the age of 16. Now I would be 23 soon and I still draw portraits and what I have carried along with me all these years are observant eyes and a clear perspective about things.

Undoubtedly art is about conveying what you feel, but then I wonder if my teacher was just mad to put so much of stress on accuracy as well. Does not a figure with hands, legs and face of a proper dimension convey anything? Or is it that the moment you deform them you can convey more? There seems to be an obsession for nudity in art. It used to be only women who earlier used to face this brunt, but now even Gods and Goddesses are not spared. And why not, don’t all our temples and architectural sites all have nude deities dancing or in different inviting postures. But a little disturbing it gets when nudity is accompanied with obscenity. I have been twice to very famous art exhibitions, once with my father and once with a male-friend and in both the times we decided to see the exhibition separately as walking together down the galleries was really embarrassing. Women body was deformed to the extent of vulgarity on the pretext of conveying a meaning. Yes we all are free individuals with our right to say and paint whatever way we feel like, but then are we not members of a civilized society that should be guided be a little of responsibility also? You may argue that I should not have visited those places when I knew such paintings would be on display, I would say why should not I? I have a lot of respect for this modern art form but I only don’t like when too much of liberty is taken and sentiments get hurt.

Art to me is not to hurt, but only to convey a meaning which you may not agree with but would still like to respect.

Recently I got an email showing all the paintings of M. F. Hussain which roused so much of protest. As an art lover I totally denounce such actions which cringe in the liberty of the artist. But on the flip side of it, the paintings definitely play with the religious sentiments of a few sects. I know it is the age of tolerance and it is stupid that we fight over meaningless issues instead of working towards creating a developed country, but then isn’t religion only about faith and nothing else, so if our faith is tampered with should we not make a little noise? Yes the way is wrong; I have the right to express my disagreement but keeping in mind the norms of a civilized society. So the bottom-line is that the means to be followed should be democratic and not outrageous. As Meera Devidayal, an artist in Mumbai (Frontline, June 1, 2007) puts it, “Art is sometimes created to provoke, to stimulate debate and for people to interpret in different ways. Most artists would not mind people objecting to their work, but it should be done in the right manner. There are peaceful platforms for debate and those could be used.” Period!

Disclaimer: The views are completely personal and do not intend to hurt anybody. Any peaceful debate is welcome.

Women's day

In this post I want to share what I have heard or over-heard during a casual walk on the road, or a chat with friends around Women's day.

"Hi! How have you been? Happy women's day!", one of the guys of my class wishing a girl.

"Yeh dekh na kaisa lag raha hai, ya phir yeh", two girls talking at a roadside ear-rings and sundry seller.

"Bhaiya thoda to kam karo, itni mehanga kyun de rahe ho", an aunty telling the vegetable vendor.

"Yaar yeh maal to dekh, kya cheez hai",a loafer guy on the roadside leching at a decent scared girl waiting at the bus stop.

"Pa, got a job, joining as soon I complete this semester", a friend of mine on phone to her father.

Just like that

One thing that one must not stop doing is writing! If you have a flair for writing and you stop writing either due to lack of time or of lack of matter, you keep feeling restless till a piece is written down. I had not been writing due to both the reasons, have opened up this page several times before, jotted down a few lines and then lost patience to carry on with the thought process. So today thought to defeat my restlessness and impatience by just writing down anything.

I have been regularly watching the new KBC since it's inception, though my parents do say that they used to like Bachchan doing it more than the flambouyant Khan, still they seem to adore him, as everyday quite a chunk of our discussion over the phone is on Khan. So I tend to believe that they enjoy seeing him. Moreover why won't they, he has been at his witty-best, humble-best, and smiley-best when at the show. Innocence seems to be with him all the time. Today the contestant (a strict lady school teacher from Jind, Haryana) refused to hug Khan when she wanted to quit the show, he was caught speechless for a moment, but his sharp presence of mind made him tell the lady "if you don't mind, can I give the cheque to your mother there as I am sure she would definitely want to hug me", and the crowd burst into a huge applause. I am sure most of us are bowled over by the witty and humourous Khan who has definitely added a new dimension to KBC.

And definitely my parents will keep watching it and keep comparing it with the Bachchan show until one day the old KBC gets faded by the funny memories of the new one!

The kid in me

2007 started. Another year passed by silently, have grown older by an year, childhood seems to be slipping by. I want to stick to my childhood, don't want to grow old, don't want to face the complications that age brings with itself. A friend of mine couriered me a few CD's I had asked for, and to my pleasant surprise I found a few Eclairs in the envelope. This triggered back my childhood memories. I was not keeping well emotionally since a few days so those were to lift me up. The Eclairs reminded me of a childhood experience. When I was a school going kid, every evening when my father used to come back from work, he used to ask me to find out a coin (of any denomination). I used to keep it on his palm and he used to read some magic mantras upon which that coin used to turn into an Eclair. I used to be ecstatic at the magic played by papa and used to wait anxiously everyday for him to play it again. And one day I grew up, I grew up to realise that it was no magic, just a plain haath-ki-safai.

That day I was feeling happy on having grown up and to realise that papa was fooling me all throughout, but now I don't feel happy about it any longer. I wish I could have been a naive not to realise it ever. Papa would bring me chocolates forever and I would eat them with the same excitement everyday.

But probably now my father loves it this way. He would want that I get chocolates for him, it's time for him to enjoy and me to bring joys for him. He can't be the giver always, I too need to understand my responsibilties and take command of my life.

And that's how I have started my new year with- to make myself capable of taking charge of things. However much we may hate, but we need to accept it. And yes if only we don't forget the little girl in us eagerly waiting for a chocolate magic, life will remain joyful as every little thing would be sweet enough to make us happy.

So welcome 2007 with an open mind and don't ever let the kid in you die.